Hïstre üv Þü Häšüns
Hïstre üv Þü Häšüns is a chapter from the Strës Kömplëks. First published in 1096, the work is epic in scale and is regarded as one of the most important works of Häšün literature. Hïstre üv Þü Häšüns delineates in graphic detail events surrounding the corruption of Lïtl Közmo, and the impact of extra-dimensional war on Häšün society, as seen through the eyes of exactly five (give or take seven) True Häšüns. Note: Many of the words and phrases are not translatable from the original Häšeënïk Language and are retained here in their original form. Introduction *27 July 994 The Kingdom of Lïtl Közmo had initiated a series of unprovoked "preemptive" military strikes against neighboring kingdoms. The Samurai Bätl, on his Lükotü Motrsikl, had invaded the Kingdom of Horizün, and grackled their sänïte, an extremely rare resource. Finding no honor in this effort, Bätl asked the Tëno to what end was he collecting the sänïte. The Tëno demoted Bätl from the position of Samurai directly; when Bätl's friend, Tänïs told the Tëno to settle down, the Tëno commanded the pair to Ïndeïn Bënd to deliver a proclamation. Bätl's love interest Drïftr attempted to calm him down prior to leaving; so did Nïge, even though Bätl didn't even like Lïtl Közmo's Cactus Wrangler/Hot Air Balloon Operator whom he considered "fucking weird". The Destruction of Ïndeïn Bënd *28 July 994 Bätl and Tänïs battled their way to Ïndeïn Bënd, defeating Pöwlo's White Chow which guarded the entrance. Calling everyone to attention, Bätl read the Tëno's "proclamation" which turned out to only be a Scroll of Blïtskreg, which incinerated the town, killing most of the citizens. Bätl and Tänïs were super-pissed that they were used in this manner and decided to "fuck off" the Tëno. They then came across a young man, named Kräkrhëd, mourning his friends who had been killed to death by the scroll. Bätl offered apologizes and vowed to take Kräkrhëd to safety, but the young man instead summoned a Black Hole which proceeded to eat most of what was left of Ïndeïn Bënd while Bätl and Tänïs battled it with the last of their energy. Bätl regained consciousness in a massive crater. There was no sign of Tänïs, and Kräkrhëd was disabled and dying. The Forming of the Ka-tet *30 July 994 Bätl carried Kräkrhëd to Ërohëd, the closest city. That night, Samurai from Lïtl Közmo attempted to kill the pair, but Bätl kicked their asses. The next morning, Bätl got a sending from Drïftr who had taken a poisoned arrow to the knee while attempting to make the journey to Ërohëd. Since the only known antidote was made from rattlesnake venom, Bätl and Kräkrhëd headed off for Norþ Känyün. Along the way, they ran into Nïge who was in pursuit of some tweaker who stole his tätu ger (again). Bätl begrudgingly let him join the party. The trio had just passed Grovrs Pörk when they witnessed a mushroom cloud, Lïtl Közmo had nuked Norþ Känyün and then grackled their sänïte. The Home of the Rattlers *31 July 994 Arriving at the ruins of Norþ Känyün, they ran into Rüš, a Hu Hsien, who explained that the Tëno was an asshole and that his family and friends were all dead. Bürd arrived and had to stop Nïge from kicking his unconscious half-brother, Döwkëmïkl Boy. He said that the Tëno's Samurai were now under the leadership of a man named Örtümïs and that after stealing all the sänïte, he also stole the tätu ger from Döwkëmïkl Boy. This caused Nïge to fly into a rage, his skin turned red and lit on fire as he leaped out a window swearing revenge upon Örtümïs. Bätl and Kräkrhëd helped Rüš and Bürd bury their dead, then the four of them then captured and milked a rattlesnake somehow. The Siege of Përüdis Väle *1 August 994 Rüš had to go to the year 3113 to steal Dëvlfïš's gear and make him dance naked in the streets; but Bürd joined with Bätl and Kräkrhëd as they returned to heal Drïftr's poisoning. Drïftr then told them that the Tëno was mobilizing to next attack Përüdis Väle for it's sänïte. The four of them set off and along the way they encountered Siko, who was kicking the crap out of some metallic beasts near the Ïmäjïnëre Desert. Together they warned King Dümor and his Trojans of the impending battle and organized a defense. Lïtl Közmo, however brought 475,000 Samurai and the defenders slowly lost ground. Retreating back into the keep, they found Tänïs playing the stupïdkrangam. He promptly joined the fight. Örtümïs kicked in the door and attacked the defenders with siönïks (which was complete bullshit), rendering them helpless as he grackled the sänïte and departed. The Büsdrivr *2 August 994 Bürd, Tänïs, Kräkrhëd, Siko, Bätl and Drïftr decided to go after Örtümïs directly (a good choice). They decided to take Ëlötobús (a bad choice) which was, of course, operated by The Büsdrivr. The resulting kerkrakklebokkkerkrash that occurred when The Büsdrivr took a "short-cut" (through a mountain) scattered the heroes across the world. Bätl lost consciousness as he hit the ground but not before he saw the sign which read "You are now entering the Kingdom of Horizün". When he woke, he had been hung upside-down by his toenails and was being beaten with organic carrots. King Kwïn entered and told Bätl that he would free him and forgive his previous attack (from the Introduction... that you just fucking read, like three minutes ago...), provided he would travel to the Gränd Känyün and help his son Këvn Sorbo who was enduring one of his twelve labors. Since this was damn-near a Jeölogeklöb Feldtrïp, Rüš decided to go with him. The First Journey to the Gränd Känyün *3 August 994 Bätl and Rüš caught up with Tänïs in the canyon, he was filling up jugs of water. Together they defeated a metallic beast, tossing it's corpse into the Kölorödo http://hashians.wikia.com/wiki/History_of_the_Hashians#Footnotes. They heard Këvn Sorbo up ahead, calling for help. He was battling the all-powerful Ovob. Together the four of them forced Ovob to sound an unprecedented retreat. On the way back up to the Ïndeïn Gördns, Këvn Sorbo called them all his brothers, which was so awesome that Bätl decided then and there to gëstölt into hürkyules. Returning to Horizün, King Kwïn kept his word, declaring Bätl a friend of the Kingdom and giving him Rönlïm, a legendary axe which had once belonged to his father, er, I mean a man who's farther, a farther away man. Taking on the Tëno *4 August 994 Tänïs, Bätl and Rüš decided now to infiltrate Lïtl Közmo by using the Lïbrte Künäl. All the Samurai appeared to be under the siönïk control of Örtümïs (whatever). Siko (who had been captured after the Büsdrivr incident) proved to be too stubborn to be controlled and was sentenced to be hit in the head with a bat until he died from it. Before the heroes could even get to him, Siko took the first shot to the head, then got up, grabbed the bat and used it to beat the shit out of his attackers. They destroyed the pedophile, Stace, after they discovered his collection of thousands of vane-dïk drörengs and his history of molesting Bëke. They then confronted the "Tëno" who was revealed to be nothing more than an Ovrfloeng Bäþtüb. They almost drowned from the deluge pouring over the basin, but at the last possible second, BOOM, Bïgdäde Dönkepünč used his Ïnršükik to break THROUGH the (entire) castle (and kept on going). Siko and Bätl stole Lükotü Motrsikls from the Samurai but Tänïs (who did not have a license) had to ride bitch (and Rüš simply ran). The Mëtl Aj *5 August 994 They caught up with Örtümïs who revealed he had captured Drïftr somehow. He told Bätl he would trade Šädo Möntïn's sänïte for Drïftr's life. The heroes went to Šädo Möntïn only to discover that the sänïte had already been taken by Pols Voys. They also discovered Bürd there who shared his plan to deal with the Pols Voys. Bätl transformed Ronlïm into a Skwir-Strät and Bürd pulled out his Tëlë-Kästr. They had to play "þü Rasïst" twenty-seven times in a row, until their fingers bled, but eventually the Pols Voys got all super pissed-off and left. Bätl gathered up the grackled sänïte and went to make the trade. The Mystic Land of Rolbërto's *6 August 994 Örtümïs had chosen the Mystic Land of Rolbërto's for the swap. The party fought their way across the Rïvr Äsföltïþ and over the sakrëd wöl http://hashians.wikia.com/wiki/History_of_the_Hashians#Footnotes, Bätl handed Örtümïs the sänïte directly, yet the ass refused to release Drïftr. All of a Sudden, Nïge, who heard all this from his apartment right behind Rolbërto's leaped at Örtümïs with a Supr Nïnjü Kwödrupl-Dübl-Flïp Dröp-Kïk Nïge-Klïk Kik, which missed entirely. As Nïge flew out the window he yelled, "Aw, bullshit! Gimme my tätu ger, punk! This is only once! I'll be back!" The confusion, however, broke Artimus' siönïk küntrol and then, as Drïftr escaped somehow, he was forced to retreat. As she and Bätl shared a hug, Örtümïs turned on a Jiënt Fän. The others gathered together as Bätl fought to hit the "öf-swïč. Just as he turned off the Jiënt Fän, and Rolbërto's began to fall apart, Drïftr used her würd üf reköl, teleporting them all back to Lïtl Közmo. Into the Mïdl Rëlms *7 August 994 Drïftr told Tänïs, Siko, Bätl and Rüš that during her imprisonment, she had overheard that while Örtümïs had all the sänïte from the four Hir Kingdoms, he still needed to gather all the sänïte from the Mïdl Rëlms to achieve his goal of opening an "Älhämbrü Portl". Drïftr used a Läbrïnþ Ston that she somehow grackled from Örtümïs to plan šïft the party into the Mïdl Rëlms. They ended up directly on the battleground between Grenwa's forces and Örtümïs' Samurai. Stev Wünþösünd insisted that their sänïte was safe, locked inside his house, but the party discovered that his son Müšrumhed had an entire series of cräpe kërïktürs, ranging from der-mën, nïnjü who wore ornj, to ranjrs that ran away from their own shadows. While the party was distracted trying to re-rol all his kërïktürs, Örtümïs showed up and used siönïks (OMG, I'm so sick of that bullcrap) to incapacitate everyone. Rüš figured out how to vibrate faster than the siönïk frequency and then ran off to get help. Before Örtümïs could go for the coup-de-graçe, Kräkrhëd showed up (somehow) with a bunch of animated spön čans that ignored siönïk damage. Even after being fucked up by spön čans, Örtümïs still had his tränsportr čef teleport him and the sänïte out. Siko's Sacrifice *8 August 994 Stev Wünþösünd told the party that Örtümïs had stored all the collected sänïte at Sünris where the ritual to open the Älhämbrü Portl would occur. They attacked Sünris at sunrise with their Lükotü Motrsikl. Bätl and company easily routed the guards and recovered the sänïte but then discovered that the portal ritual had already begun. Siko stayed back to try to disrupt the spell while the others made for the exit. All of a Sudden, Örtümïs showed up and switched the setting from "Älhämbrü" to "Orïgün". With a bright flash, Siko was gone. Even more suddenly, Nïge arrived in a Hot Air Balloon filled up with an ünstabl mëþläb. "I toooold you I'd be back!" he yelled as the resulting explosion took out most of Sünris. Battling the Forëst Fir *9 August 994 Bätl, Tänïs, Kräkrhëd and Drïftr rode now to Dësurt Šädos on their Lükotü Motrsikls. There they encountered Bikr who had just failed to defeat the Forëst Fir. Despite his smart-ass response, he joined the group. They entered the tower and found Bikr's lëþr jäkët which had been damaged. Although the Forëst Fir claimed he had nothing to to with it and it was probably "süm däm forënur", Bikr swore bloody revenge and the party attacked. Kräkrhëd gave Bätl a skwurt bötle which he used to defeat the Forëst Fir http://hashians.wikia.com/wiki/History_of_the_Hashians#Footnotes. All of a Sudden, Esherokïneukätsuköme showed up and said something about all four elements just before handing them the Shangrü-Lö Key, which opened the gates to Ša, where remained the last un-grackled sänïte. Spirit of The Kän Woreor *August 10, 994 The very second the party grackled the sänïte, Örtümïs revealed that he had captured Bëke and that he would trade her to Tänïs for the last of the sänïte of the Mïdl Rëlms. When they didn't fall for that shit again, Örtümïs simply used siönïks some bullshit powers (that I won't even dignify with a name at this point) to dömïnat Tänïs, forcing him to grackle the sänïte and leave with him. Stev Wünþösünd suggested they visit Horizün to ask King Kwïn for another way to follow Örtümïs to "Älhämbrü". Bïgdäde Dönkepünč drove by just then in a totrük and offered to take them all to Horizün. Once there, the party was able to rest and recover their spells. Kräkrhëd was so enamored by the beauty that he decided to stay there a while. Rüš found them and joined the party, claiming to have found a strange energy source in Lïtl Közmo. Again taking the Lïbrte Künäl, they reached Lïtl Közmo. There they found the ghost of The Kän Woreor, haunting the corner table. The ghost told Bätl that he was proud of him and gave him his Raydën Hät and officially named his the new Kän Woreor. Then they completely forgot to salt and burn the Old Kän Woreor's bones so he could rest in peace. The Rëlm of Älhämbrü *11 August 994 After declaring the palm tree sacred http://hashians.wikia.com/wiki/History_of_the_Hashians#Footnotes, Bätl used the power of the Raydën Hät to open a gateway to the Rëlm of Älhämbrü. Bikr, Rüš and Drïftr went with him. There they met Tëksïs, an Älhämbrün tasked with keeping the portl between the rëlms closed since the Hir Kingdoms had a "nice thing going over there". One Älhämbrün in particular named Dënes disagreed and sought to break down the boundaries; though her purfum was contained by the boundary, she could still use spells to mentally control people in the Hir Kingdoms like Örtümïs. Dënes' objective, he told them, was to wake the sleeping Körtzïlü to destroy any opposition and then hold the largest quantity of sëkündhänd storcräp possible. Tëksïs also revealed that the Old Kän Woreor had, in fact, fathered a third son in addition to Bätl and Siko who were brothers. Örtümïs' Secret *12 August 994 Joined by Tëksïs, the party traveled back to the Hir Kingdoms to discover that Körtzïlü had been awakened. Everyone in the entire world, including former teammates Bürd, Nïge, Kräkrhëd and Stev Wünþösünd contributed to the valiant counteroffensive. Nïge once again used a kamikaze Hot Air Balloon to breach Körtzïlü's armor plating. Once inside, they found the colossus being controlled by four former Samurai, Käptïn Töcohëd, Goldsnak, Jön Rämbo Köšün and Suprbüf Gi. Once they defeated those goobers, Körtzïlü rolled to a stop. All of a Sudden, Örtümïs attacked, promising to destroy them for reals this time. Before he could do anything, however, Tëksïs bokked him in the head with a 2x4 and Örtümïs suddenly remembered that he was Fäntüm: Bätl and Siko's younger brother. Fäntüm revealed that after they had become separated as children, inside the Fliengsösr in Bläkkänyünsïte, Dënes had taken custody of him and used spells to control him and turn him into a godless killing machine. The heroes then harnessed the power of the Raydën Hät to travel back to Rëlm of Älhämbrü to stop Dënes once and for all. The Final Battle *13 August 994 Tänïs, who was now free of the mind control, came back to apologize, he was quoted as saying, "NAHP!" Bätl began sending out Rad Ïnvits. He settled on taking Bikr, Tëksïs, Kräkrhëd and Drïftr as they were the only ones with a high enough Ger Skor and could "Fivmän Äneþeng". They transported to the Rëlm of Älhämbrü and from there traveled to the Purfum Kor. There they battled and defeated Dënes but not before she cast her final whammy, transforming her into a massive creature called Ültrü-Magü Denës Lördäs. Her newly-advanced perfum knocked out the entire party. Just when all seemed lost, Bïgdäde Dönkepünč stormed in and Ïnršükikt her ass clear out of Älhämbrü and all the way to Möntänü. He was quoted as saying, "Take that, Chunky Butt!" Epilogue *14 August 994 In the days following Ültrü-Magü Denës Lördäs' defeat, Tëksïs left to go wash his truck and "get his ears lowered". Fäntüm, remorseful for all the destruction he caused decided to become a prison guard to serve his community. Nïge finally located his grackled tätu ger. Bätl, using the last of the Raydën Hät's power (pulling some Terry Goodkind bullshit), severed the portals to Rëlm of Älhämbrü forever. Many of the heroes returned to their homes, some to rebuild them. Bürd became King of Norþ Känyün, Bikr became King of Šädo Möntïn, Kräkrhëd became King of Përüdis Väle, Tänïs embarked on a self-exile to find religion. Bätl and Drïftr had a surprise wedding at Röwhid and then became the King and Queen of Lïtl Közmo. The End. Principal Characters *Bätl - The story's main protagonist. Initially a Ninja and Samurai of Lïtl Közmo, Bätl began to question the Tëno's motives, which gradually set off a chain of events that led him on the path to awesomeness. *Tänïs - Bätl and Drïftr's childhood friend. With a low Will Save, Tänïs succumbed to Örtümïs' siönïks (bullshit), straining their confidence in him. *Kräkrhëd - A young man whose city, Ïndeün Bënd, was unintentionally nükt by Bätl and Tänïs. Bätl's need to mentor and protect him forged a formidable ally. *Nïge - A wirey character driven to exact revenge against anyone coming between him and his tätu ger. *Bürd - The Prince of Norþ Känyün, who lost his family and friends to Örtümïs' attack on his kingdom, he helped Bätl in whatever ways he could and was inspired to become more Mëtl. *Drïftr - A cleric from Lïtl Közmo, her feelings towards Bätl have grown beyond sexy dances. *Siko - Roadkill's brother, helps him in any way possible, when neccessary, making terrible sacrifices including getting banished to Orïgün. *Rüš - A Headman from the Hu Hsien Forest. He joined Bätl on many legs of his journey, including the Gränd Känyün. *Bïgdäde Dönkepünč - A master ass-whooper who popped in now and again to save the day, he defeated the final boss, Ültrü-Magü Denës Lördäs with his patented Ïnršükik. *Bikr - A smart-ass and skilled martial artist. He was quick to act on his emotions, but his strong sense of justice usually prevailed. *Tëksïs- An Älhämbrün from that distant realm, he shed some light on Bätl and Örtümïs' true origins and the imminent threat from Dënes to the Hir Kingdoms. *Örtümïs - The story's main antagonist. Actually being Bätl and Siko's younger brother, Fäntüm, he finally broke free of Dënes' control and helped the heroes. Footnotes # A Eulogy from Pat, chapters 22—40 more fully details the Gränd Cänyün encounter. ↑ # A Eulogy from Pat, chapter 94 details more about the geography and mythos of Rolbërto's. ↑ # Can Warrior Issue 12 by Pat Patrol Publishing fully documents the battle between Bätl and the Forëst Fir. ↑ # A Eulogy from Pat, chapter 175 more fully covers the Declaration making the Palm Tree Sacred, and other details involving the Raydën Hät. ↑